Bob Alper

Rabbi Bob Alper is a comedian, author, and well....a Rabbi!  He has performed comedy internationally for 38 years.  In this interview, Bob shares so many amazing stories, and he truly is a wealth of knowledge and inspiration.

Check out Bob's website here!

Or click here to buy his book, Thanks I Needed That!

Transcript

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SPEAKER_02 0:17

Welcome back to the Clean Comedy Chats. We're back. We took a month off, took a month to recover and do some more interviews. And here we are, first Saturday in August. Thank you all so much for uh tuning in. If this is your first time with the Clean Comedy Chats, I'll give you a brief rundown. This is a podcast where every week I interview a different comedian who's part of the Clean Comedy Collective, which is a virtual network of comedians that started about two or three years ago. And now we have about 250 comedians from about 39 different states. And every week I like to uh find a new one and talk to them and get to know them. Very excited about our guest today. Uh, we have Rabbi Bob. How are you doing, Rabbi Bob? Or is it just Bob?

SPEAKER_01 0:56

You know, there's the story behind that. I prefer just Bob because Alan King was a was a great comedian. He used to do a bit years and years ago about his son's bar mitzvah. And I remember he said, you know, I we had to hire a tutor. So he drives up and in his corvette, gets out with his Bermuda shorts and sneakers and says, Hi, I'm Rabbi Chuck. So, you know, that that rubs me the wrong way. So I don't like Rabbi Bob. I don't like Rabbi Mindy. I don't like Rabbi. It's Bob. If if if they're kids, like in my old congregation, they call me Rabbi Alper. But adults, I say, call me Bob. Bob's Bob.

SPEAKER_02 1:34

I like that. I'm gonna just call you Bob then. I kind of feel I can kind of relate to that because uh like I so we talked about this before I started the podcast. I have a ministry background, and uh so of course, like Baptist churches, they usually call them like pastor, reverend, or whatever. But I did non-denominational and Methodist churches, and every now and then you'd have kids that would come from a Baptist background, uh, and they would be like Pastor Drew. And I'm like, oof, that sounds that's that sounds no thing, just Drew. That's that is okay for me. So um, but and before we get into the interview, just want to remind everyone uh check out our website, cleancomedycollective.com. You can see previous episodes, you can check out the comedians in our network. So Bob here, he's uh you can check him out in the Vermont section. And we have all kinds of uh other things. Uh, there's a place where you can see what our upcoming shows are, and you can just learn more about the Clean Comedy Collective. And if you're a comedian who's interested in being part of the collective, uh there's a form there, there's a whole application process, and we'd love for you to sign up and send us an application. That being said, enough about the promotion stuff. Let's get into talking about rabbi blah blah blah. So here's a brief bio, uh just bob. We're gonna get a bio in about just bob. I don't even think I need to add the just, but I like I like that. I think that that'd be a fun stage in just bob. Next to stage, just bob. So Bob Alper is an ordained and practicing rabbi and a comedian based out of Vermont who has been performing for 38 years nationally and internationally. He runs a second enlightening program called The Spirituality of Laughter and has been featured on uh the Tamron Hall show, Good Morning America, CNN, and the Today Show. He has been featured on Sirius XM for the past 20 years. So we're gonna get into all this and more. Uh Bob, I think my first question is so do you so do you still do, well, I mean, obviously you still do comedy, well, but do you also are you still also a rabbi as well? Are you currently doing both at the same time?

SPEAKER_01 3:37

Um it took me a lot of years to come up with an answer to that. And I finally was able to articulate it. First of all, number one, yes, I'm all I'll always be a rabbi. Uh, and I love being a rabbi. Uh secondly, once in a while I do life cycle events. I I did a funeral a couple weeks ago. Um, and uh uh but very rarely. But the third issue is um I realize there are all kinds of ways of being a rabbi. There's there's congregational life, organizational life, the chaplaincy, scholarship. My rabbinant, my way of being a rabbi is making people laugh. And I feel that's that's as much of a calling as as any other part of being a rabbi. Um you know, I I love doing life cycle events, I love teaching, I love conducting such I love all the parts, most of the parts, it isn't like the politics, but most of the parts of being a rabbi um were very satisfying. Uh if I if I told you I I love doing funerals, it sounds strange. When you think about it, a funeral is a is a time when you can enter a person people's lives, and if you're skilled, you can make a difference and in a very short time. And so I found that to be very satisfying uh doing funerals. And I use humor in funerals too, which I'll get to later if you don't want to. But anyway, back to being uh so all kinds of ways of being a rabbi. And uh I found that uh uh making people laugh is my rabbinant. And the best example, there are tons and tons of examples. Um, but the best example is um after I did a show years ago, a woman who I knew was dying of cancer came up to me. She said, She said, you know, uh uh for an hour and a half, I forgot I was sick.

SPEAKER_00 5:28

Oh my gosh.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

What what higher calling can there be than to help a person who is suffering and dying, not remembering that she's sick for an hour and a half. Yeah. So that's that's that's more than make me that's that's my rabbit. That's the call.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

Yeah, what a testament to like what we do in stand-up comedy, that the the healing power of connection and laughing and at times distraction and just how getting them off, you know, that's you still have to go home to it, but right now you can just enjoy and be refreshed, and I love that.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

So you know, they the um the another example, I've written a couple books, and I'm happy to plug the they're wonderful books, uh short chapters, about 35 in each book. And one of the chapters is called Joe and Justine, about a guy who was uh uh when I was in Philadelphia getting into comedy in 1986, 87, I found a list of comedy writers all over the country. And there are two in Philadelphia. I called one, his name was Joe Madeiras, and he was an ad agency guy, uh copywriter. And but he used to go in his third floor of his house and write jokes and try and sell them to comedians. And he had a little some success. So I said, You want to try with me? He said, Yeah. So we had lunch, and I said, Okay, can you give me some jokes about having teenagers? And the next day he faxed me 10 jokes, uh two of which were pretty decent. And the next time I did a guest set at a comedy club, I tried them. And if one of them worked, I would pay him ten dollars. To make a really long story short, Joe Madeiras ended up being for 18 years the head writer of the Tonight Show. Oh wow, yeah. And and and and the reason was well, he wanted to get to Jay Leno. Leno was in Philadelphia, uh, a woman whom I had married was the guest relations coordinator of the Valley Porch Music Fair. I called her, she said, have Joe drop his jokes off, and I'll put him in Jay's Leno in Jay's uh dressing room. And at midnight that night, phone rings. Hello, Joe. Hi, Jay Leno, really liked your stuff. So so so Joe is the head writer of the Tonight Show. The point I'm getting to is I went out there a few times and I went to the show, of course. And after the show, we went out for dinner, and then he had to go back to the studio to edit a piece that Jay had filmed that day, playing a muscle-bound garbage man who invited the women of the neighborhood into the back of his truck for cocktails. Hysterical. I mean, yeah. So I was sitting in a high stool behind Joe and the editor, and they're working hard, they're tweaking, they're raising the volume, they're cutting this second off. They're your editing is not an easy task, but that's what they're doing. And I was thinking that's their work. And they probably are not thinking what I am, which is that when this airs tomorrow night, a teenage girl is going to be out past curfew. She's gonna come home, her father's up angry watching the tonight show. She walks in and he's ready to let her have it. And then they look at the TV, and there's Jay Leno in this muscle shirt, inviting women for cocktails in the back of his garbage truck, and they they watch together and they laugh together, and then slightly mellowed, the father says, Sweetie, I get so nervous when you're out beyond. And she says, Dad, I'm so sorry, and I won't. And and it's and in another place, in a hospital room, there's there's a man who's dying, and he's got his TV on low, so it doesn't bother his roommate. Uh and he's thinking about the fact that he's he's mortal. It's the end, he's in pain, and then he sees Jay Leno and he forgets that he's sick for a little bit. So what Lena, what Joe, what Jay did, what Joe, what the editor was not just work, that was uh if you pardon the expression, holy business.

SPEAKER_02 9:22

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 9:23

They were they were administering to people, they didn't know it, but that's how humor works. And I I say this in my book that this was this is uh uh an amazing thing that and and it's reframing what we do as comedians if if our if our comedy is not hurtful, if it's if it's appropriate humor. Um and and and that's what we do. And uh love that.

SPEAKER_02 9:47

Yeah, and I I like the interjection of if our comedy is not hurtful. I think that's very important. As we as I mean, comedians, we we uh we uh we can say whatever we want when we make jokes, but there's definitely a maturity of uh can and should you say something, right? Like you can say it absolutely, but uh what's it really doing? Is it really worth, you know, is is uh the juice worth the squeeze? And uh I I've said many times on this uh on this podcast, um, you know, I I do I do steer mostly with clean comedy, uh, but I didn't ever set out to just be a clean comedian. I just learned a while back I don't have a face for crass comedy. If I say something dirty, women are like uncomfortable, they're like, ooh, no, thank you. Um, but uh one thing that I've always that's been important to me as a comedian is I don't want people to feel less than because of the joke that I say. So it's less important. I mean, like I do work mostly clean because that's my personality, but like it's less important to me that whether it's a crass or dark joke, but I don't want it to be an offensive joke, you know.

SPEAKER_01 10:50

It's that that's I've been an example in my my career. Um, earlier in my career, I used to do a joke about how almost every wedding at which I officiated the the uh processional was the song from Fiddler on the Roof. And I would be kind of amused to see a 225-pound bride walk down the aisle to is this the little girl I carried? And it was a funny joke. It got a good response. I had a manager at the time, she was a heavyset woman, and she called me one day, she said, Bob, I talked to the chair of the event that you're doing in Lancaster on Sunday, and she asked if you're gonna do the joke about uh is this little girl I carried. And I knew immediately that this is a woman with a weight issue. And that Sunday I didn't do that joke. Yeah, and I've never ever done that joke since then. And when I transferred from a cassette of my act to a CD of my act, I took that joke out. There's no reason if if if it hurts somebody, even one person, there's no reason to keep it in.

SPEAKER_02 11:57

Um good comedians don't need to rely on those jokes once you realize, you know, even if it's one like, oh, that's my best joke, or that's a well, it a good comedian will write another best joke, you know. Like it's uh so that's um because that that happens sometimes is people are like, I know this joke isn't great, but it gets such a big laugh, so I'm gonna say it anyway. It's like you don't have to, you know, hard to get rid of it. So you've been doing comedy for 38 years, which is if I'm just being honest, my entire life. Uh you you started comedy and I was born. That is uh yeah, I yeah, maybe I maybe it's connected. I don't even know. I feel like the longer you do comedy just in general, the greater comedy is like the get you kind of get past some of the stuff you need to get past, and uh just the longer you do it, the deeper the love you have for it, the more understanding we were talking about before the podcast, the less things bother you. It's just uh so so uh doing comedy for 38 years, I would love to hear kind of like what are some of the biggest differences you see between now and maybe when you first started or in the middle of your career, because I feel like there's a bunch of different times then, or like, or like what are some of the things that you feel like are this is always true, this has always been the case. That's you know.

SPEAKER_01 13:12

I I really haven't seen much difference. You know, I don't do clubs except you know, guest sets to try out material. So fortunately, I've been very lucky. Almost all the shows I do they're coming to see Bob Alper, and that's a big difference, you know. Awesome, yeah. I mean Seinfeld says when they know who you are, you get five minutes of grace. Then you have to be funny, but you get the five minutes and you bring them in. So I don't have to prove myself. It's also uh I don't have to do you know clubs where somebody might be drunk or uh people talking or other distractions which are horrible. Uh although I think clubs are better about this than they were back then, um, and they're they're more careful. But uh, I mean the club where I I sort of got my comedy chops uh uh had uh a guy named Pete who was big and Pete would take care of things, so we didn't have to worry performing at that club. Um and I I never had hecklers, um but anyway, but my audiences uh are are similar uh most of the places where I go, although I've done you know um a lot of shows. The Jewish audiences are similar, they skew older. Um but I did one show, I remember in Saratoga Springs, I looked down in the front row, there's a mother, a grandmother, and a 13-year-old. And the the mother was laughing, the 13-year-old was slapping his knees, and the grandmother's wiping her eyes with you know, and I said, Wow, I got that's so cool. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:46

Uh so but um And what a cool family experience. A lot. I mean, I I I love it. It's doing the clean shows. Sometimes you do shows where it's like the whole family can come and you've created this bonding experience a lot. Uh, oftentimes, you know, on other shows, it's like, you know, we want to leave the kids home, which is cool. Maybe you need a night out, but like it is cool to have something where like everyone can be there together. And uh I I've heard this from the parents that come to it, and it's like great to be able to laugh at a joke and not be self-conscious because your kid's sitting there, you know. So, and because otherwise you have to be the responsible, you know, parent or whatever.

SPEAKER_01 15:23

So I I in in my publicity, I say people should put um adults and children 11 and older are invited. Anyone un younger than that, you're dead because it's and Steve Martin says the enemy of comedy is distraction, and that's what happened. I had one show in in Fort Myers, Florida, at a synagogue, and some people brought a baby. I wasn't smart enough to say, No, I won't perform if there's a baby in the room. I let it and then the baby started, you know, doing what a baby does. And finally I said, Could you please take take the baby out? Okay, so I took the baby out. And then after the show, the the wife of the rabbi came and said, Oh, you don't know what it is. Those people are they're leaders of the congregation, and and they were married here. And I want to say, Oh, good, was the baby conceived on the pulpit?

SPEAKER_00 16:13

You know, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:16

So I said, I don't care, you know, not who they are, if they're rude enough to bring a baby to a comedy show, they shouldn't be there. And uh, but that doesn't happen too often.

SPEAKER_02 16:26

No, not super often, but good for you for because I mean I haven't worked at churches that have there are the people that they treat like royalty, but it's like they're humans too, and you know, you helped it be a better experience for everyone, and it's good for them to hear, like, oh, you maybe like you know, take the baby out, come back, you know, later. I'm less nervous about or less self-conscious about when there's babies than when there's like uh kids that are old enough that if like you say something, they might turn to their mom or dad, I'm like, What's that mean? you know, and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_01 16:56

So um, but I did a show in uh outside of San Francisco in Burlingame, uh California, and the the young rabbi and his wife, they just had a baby. But they sat they sat in the front and the exit was right outside, and uh uh they were both there with the baby, and then the mother got up with the baby and and she went out, and then then she came back, and then he went out, and then and I'm looking every time they did that. I'm looking, everyone's eyes shifted to the left.

SPEAKER_02 17:25

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

They look and they notice that this joke is not gonna work, this joke is not gonna work, and they were trying to be quiet and discreet. No, you know, it was anyway, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

And also, like for the parents, that can't have been a fun evening out. Like you were you both were trading playing hot potato with your baby, you know, like and so um so you've done comedy also, so you've done it nationally here, but you've also done it internationally. So I'm wondering too, uh, because I've always I haven't done comedy internationally yet. I've that's been that's on my bucket list. Uh, and I've always been intrigued by it because I feel like uh you have to learn pretty quickly when you're on stage, like what stuff translates to different countries and what stuff others. And have you only ever performed in like English speaking countries, or did you perform more like you had a translator? And uh or so, yeah, tell me about international comedy.

SPEAKER_01 18:16

The only uh place with translator was uh in San Juan. And I said, I got twice the laughs. I would do a punchline and they'd laugh, and then I'd hear potata potata patada and they'd laugh again. You know, the people, the Spanish speakers would laugh when they heard so I got twice the laughs, but it was it was a little difficult. Um in England, um I would uh I did uh theaters in England and synagogues in England. Um and before I'd do my I I'd run my lines by uh some people, you know, like I I I have reference to Harrison Ford. And I'd say, and and everyone knows Harrison Ford, but I wanted to make sure that everyone knows Harrison Ford. I'll tell you the joke, by the way. Yeah, please do. Start out with this, I say, uh uh I'm 81, and uh uh it's not that bad. My hero's Harrison Ford, who just turned 84, he's making another movie. It's gonna be called Indiana Jones and the Enlarged Prostate. So, but if they don't so I I I would do that, or you know, references to maybe a movie or um you know a uh a product. I'd run it by and and most most people know everything. Um and uh didn't have to worry about it. Uh I'm hoping to perform in in Dhaka, Bangladesh. Oh yeah. Yeah, cool. I have a friend who's uh uh gonna be with him this weekend. He's the retired CEO of IBM in Bangladesh, now trying to make his career as a comedian in America.

SPEAKER_02 19:52

All right. He's got the at least he's got the money cushion background. That's the one that's hard to borrow about biggie. How do I pay for my next meal?

SPEAKER_01 20:00

Pursue my dream. But I think he's okay. And and in in Dhaka, Bangladesh, the first and maybe still only comedy club is called Navid's Comedy Club. This guy's first, he's Navid. He for he founded the first comedy club. Started his own comedy club. And he says, you know, you if you're in Bangladesh, you have to perform. And I think I'll be okay because I tried my material out on him, and you know, anyone who comes to the show would speak English. So I've done, and in Israel, I've done done shows in Israel. Um, I did uh a bunch of shows alone, a bunch of shows with uh an Arab comedian together, the two of us. Um, and uh again, you know, a couple things wouldn't work because too esoteric or like Vermont. Um people don't really know about Vermont, and so I'd I'd cut the Vermont jokes or just press.

SPEAKER_02 20:51

Tell me about the second enlightening program and the spirituality of laughter. I know we've talked a little bit about this, but your your official program, and feel free to uh you know talk about any of the books that you wrote or just uh because that sounds like a really awesome and detailed thing.

SPEAKER_01 21:04

Yeah. Well, I I do uh it's a lecture on the spirituality of laughter where I basically expand on what I I mentioned my my rabbit and is making people laugh. Uh the the importance of humor, the value of humor. Um, I talk about uh humor in the Bible, humor in the Talmud. I mean, believe it or not, you know, I mean, for example, I would talk about how I always use humor uh in my re in my congregational life. Uh I would begin sermons with a joke. Um, one sermon I remember years ago, I I said, uh, this is for Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. I said, for the past two weeks, my wife and son have been in Peru on vacation. I stayed home to write sermons and prepare for the high holidays. You're welcome. Boom. You know, but there was a there was a teacher in the Talmud 2000 years ago named Raba, and it says he would begin his lessons with a joke. Because it would relax his students. And then they were able to take in the series. So not every sermon starts with a joke. I mean, I I read my colleagues, and the the first line of their sermon says, it says in Exodus chapter 7, verses 14, shut up. Yeah. Nobody cares yet. Yeah. So all of my sermons begin with with and and so I explain in this uh spirituality of laughter how uh it's an ancient technique. Um, and I talk about uh um the humor of uh uh Jews, of Muslims, of Christians in biblical stories. Uh the book of Esther is is uh hysterical. People don't realize it's a very funny book.

SPEAKER_02 22:49

Um it has to be funny or it is incredibly weird.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Yeah, I mean they don't really there's a scene with uh Queen Esther, uh uh Haman the bad guy is chasing her around the room. She falls on a couch, she falls on top of her. Husband comes in, you're trying to make a conquest of my wife in my own house. You know, this kind of stuff. It's a rippled comedy. And I I give an example of modern humor. Uh of uh um, this is from a 1950s Israeli joke book. Um the the town was being bombed, and an older older couple was running to the to the shelter. The husband turned around and started going back to the apartment. Wife said, Where are you going? He says, To get my dentures. She said, What do you think they're dropping? Sandwiches? So that. So you know I I used those uh those jokes, those examples. Um even during the Holocaust, there's there was humor, um, a different kind of humor. Uh, a woman who I became very close to, named Gerda Klein, uh who died a couple of years ago, but she was a survivor, and she told us in in the place where they slept, which she couldn't call it a bedroom, it was a barracks. Horrible, horrible. She was a slave laborer for five years. Um the girls, the teenage girls, would write plays at which they would mock their their captors. And and that that that little humor, it wasn't laugh out loud stuff, but the humor helped them during that time.

SPEAKER_02 24:23

Helped them get through what they were having to go through, yeah. Yeah, that's yeah. I mean, in situations like that, that's I feel like that's when dark comedy shines, when it's a terrible situation and someone has the skill to find the funny in it. And yeah, it's we it's weird to someone who doesn't know the situation, they're like, Well, that's a weird thing to say, but like, but it it is very healing.

SPEAKER_01 24:47

So um there's a book called It Kept Us Alive: Humor during the Holocaust. It didn't keep everyone, I mean, six million died, but among the survivors, uh, they found that that humor was when they could use it was was helpful.

SPEAKER_02 25:06

What is like your favorite moment as a comedian that you've experienced? Like what's just something that stands out as like a special memory, a really cool moment, just maybe it's like the best show, best and experience afterwards, or just in general, like favorite moment as a comedian.

SPEAKER_01 25:23

It has to go back to the Montreal Comedy Festival. You know, I did they they had they what they called the Bar Mitzvah show. It was the 13th year of the festival. And Andy Nolman, who was the CEO, um he had a vacation house in in Vermont, and he came, he picked up a newspaper and they had an article about me. I mean, it's just serenos. That's not all. And yeah, that's how they invited me to be part of the and so I was part of a five-comic show called The Bar Mitzvah Show. And also on the bill was a guy named Malzi Lawrence, who was on Caskets on Broadway. Um, forget the other two, Susie Esman from Curb Your Enthusiasm. She was on the bill. Um and that was so heady. I mean, walking around the Montreal Comedy Fest with a badge that read performer. Huh. And the show with the audience, every that was a I've had I've had a lot of shows that that I've I've felt really good about. Um, and uh um things that have happened that I've felt really good about. I was just thinking the other day, um, Mo Ammer and Susan Sparks, who's an American Baptist minister, and I did the Laugh and Peace tour a lot. And we did one at the Clinton Presidential Library, and um the the registration so much they couldn't accommodate everyone, so they they had to had to move to a larger venue, which they filmed. Oh, yeah. So we did this wonderful show.

SPEAKER_02 26:48

Yeah, what a good problem to have, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

And but the best part was after the show, we found a nearby restaurant, and the three of us walked in, and everyone started applauding because they had all come from the show. That's so cool, and they were so appreciative. Um, there were many moments like that. Um, not only you know, watching uh a moment, um Georgia Tech. I was working with a guy named Azar Usman, who's of Indian background, Muslim, and uh before the show we were backstage, and the president of the Muslim Student Association and the president of Hillel, the Jewish Student Association, I overheard them talking about what restaurant they should go to after the show. And then I talked to them, and they said before they began working on the Laugh in Peace Tour, bringing us in, even though their offices were next door to one another, they'd never spoken to one another. Oh, and now they're going out for dinner and hanging out. Yeah. And that's what that's what humor, non-political humor. I don't know if it would happen now, given the way things are, but back then it worked wonderfully. I hope we can revive it someday.

SPEAKER_02 27:58

And I think things like humor help build bring us together. It builds bridges. Like I mean, sometimes I mean there's a different there's a way to do comedy that's more divisive than inclusive. But I feel like uh I love that about a comedy show is you start out with a group of strangers and but then by the end of it, you've this this shared experience has brought everyone together a little bit.

SPEAKER_01 28:22

And I I use the line when people laugh together, they can't hate each other. That's true. That's true.

SPEAKER_02 28:30

That's true. But yeah, I think it's always important as comedians to uh just identify a lot of the cool things that we get to experience, the cool things that we get to do, the cool things that we get to see. For me, it's as simple sometimes as um I I I perform a little spot on a show, and then I get to watch the rest of the show for free. Everyone else in the room had to pay for a ticket. And because I didn't get a spot, they were like, oh, you can sit. And like, so I'm seeing these people that people make good money to see, and it's just like, and I'm talking to them afterwards, and it's all very casual. And you know, it's just like stuff like that. Like, in there's so many good, fun, amazing things that come with comedy. So um, and that being said, there's also a lot of hard things. Sometimes it's very toxic, sometimes it's very drainy, and sometimes so it's very important to always hold on to like the good, good stuff that we get to experience. Now, I know we told uh we talked about this before the podcast about how like um a lot of our audience here with Clean Comedy Chats are newer comedians or people looking to get into comedy. So um what what would be a piece of advice you'd give to new comedians today? Um, just what if you could only give them one piece, there's probably a lot you could say, but um it's to to be really obnoxious in the supermarket.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Meaning.

SPEAKER_02 29:47

Meaning, meaning I'm so glad you're giving us meaning, not just like, and that's it. Yeah, I'll explain that.

SPEAKER_01 29:55

What it goes back to is try out your jokes every chance you get. And if it's in the supermarket and you see a uh a person that you sort of know or even don't know, but sort of try out your jokes. Don't expect you're gonna get a huge guffaw because you're gonna one-on-one. But try out your jokes because it gives you the opportunity to get the pattern, to memorize the joke, uh, to to cut syllables, to edit and edit and edit and edit. Uh but to say the joke as much as possible is the way you to refine everything. And then, you know, of course, try them out. And and when you try them out, don't don't let one failure uh stop you because it it may be the delivery, it it probably is because it's the first time. With a new comedian, to go over and first of all, uh write your jokes out, um, if possible. I don't write mine, but that's a good idea if you if you if you can do that. Um and the way I do comedy is I'll do an hour and ten minutes, and every single solitary word is pre-planned. And I make it look like I'm just thing this stuff up. But every word, and I can remember probably 15 years ago, I did a joke. The punchline is his grandparents had returned from gambling in Las Vegas. And then his his had returned from a gambling junket in Las Vegas, okay? And then after doing the joke for 10 years, I realized the word junklet junket is not necessary. Just return from gambling in Las Vegas. And I came that that idea occurred to me while I was performing, and I was so happy at the end of the night I got rid of two syllables.

SPEAKER_02 31:45

Yeah, it's a big, it's a big moment. And the longer you do it, the longer you have those it's super special when it's like an old joke and you've learned how to tell it better, you know.

SPEAKER_01 31:55

And and and so for a new comedian, that's what they have to do. And they have to there should be a mantra that goes through the head of every new comedian. I'm not Robin Williams, I'm not Robin Williams. I can't just pick up and make people laugh. I'm not Robin Williams. Yeah, yeah. That's the key. Just practice, practice, practice, and and uh every chance you get.

SPEAKER_02 32:21

Um and it it does feel like you're working on a muscle. I mean, I some I mean it is true that for some people, stand up and performing, and maybe even joke writing is a more of a natural thing than for others. But I feel like uh for me, I've always felt like the performing part comes naturally to me, but the joke writing has been a bit of, you know, that's where I have to put the work in and I've had to learn the skill. But I feel like it's easier now than when I first started. I feel like I've stretched that muscle and I have a system that kind of works for me. And I just think the more you do, like you said, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Um, but when you start, you have to actually go through the motions of doing it, you know.

SPEAKER_01 32:59

And and if you're starting out, no, you're gonna fail.

SPEAKER_02 33:04

You know, and that's okay.

SPEAKER_01 33:05

It's perfectly normal, it's natural. You're gonna you're gonna go right down the toilet, you're gonna feel terrible. But that's normal. You're gonna fail. And and keep it up, though. Keep trying. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 33:17

So then here's here's a vulnerable question for you. Uh, in in 38 years of doing stand-up comedy, if there's one thing you could have done differently knowing what you know now, what would it be? And why?

SPEAKER_01 33:30

Martha's Vineyard, probably 25 years ago, um, a woman, woman in our town uh called me. Her brother was getting married on Martha's Vineyard at his home. And the thing they forgot to do was get a rabbi. They had 300 guests sent up. They didn't find and I didn't have a conversation. So uh could I do it? And uh said, yeah. So he sent his plane here to pick me up and his sister, and we flew to Martha's Vineyard. And uh this is a guy who's uh uh when when the Clintons would vacation, they would stay with him on Martha's Vineyard.

SPEAKER_00 34:14

Oh yeah. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 34:15

Um I walked into the house, and uh um, you know, there's two men with their uh babies, the second marriage for both of them. Uh one was the CEO of uh Universal Pictures, and the other was uh uh the playwright whose name I forget, but uh major characters. So I did the wedding, I did a great job. Uh after the wedding, I sat down and chatted with Carly Simon for 15 minutes. Um then we all sat down. They said, uh, where would you like to sit? Would you like to sit with the family? I said, No, I'd like to sit with the Alan Dershowitz. So I sat with Alan Dershowitz and his wife at their table. And then the groom said, Could you do a little comedy? I said, Of course. I mean, here 300 people with I mean, Senator Dodd was there, Senator Kerry was there. I mean, really major Carly Simon was there, you know. So they introduced me after a few, and I'm following Senator Kerry, who does this gorgeous poetry and Irish wonderful, and I get up there and I start doing and the the noise level rises until you can barely hear me, and they're they're they want their food, and I'm boring them, and I finally said, and and I just want to say congratulations to Dick and Eva, and and then I got off, and I was just mortified, and I had to stay there, and I did I did such a great wedding and then got up there. I don't think people thought it was as bad as I thought it was, but I was mortified uh because I tried to do something and it fell totally flat. So that that was the uh there's your that was the worst.

SPEAKER_02 36:01

So in hindsight, you came in like, I'm good. We don't we can we can just let's just get to that reception and food. Uh last question for me, and then uh we'll uh we'll do the ask a comedian section. But uh, I always like to uh have kind of a fun or getting to know you as a person versus you as a comedian and performer questions. So uh when you're not you know comedying and when you're not rabbing and when you're not being a theologian and just doing all the cool, awesome things you're doing, what's fun? What's Bob do when he has a day off?

SPEAKER_01 36:31

Um I I like to travel. Um, my wife and I uh just got back from Germany and and uh uh we travel. We like to go to New York and do the New York stuff and theater, uh concerts, um and just being in New York. We have a nice apartment that uh just like to relax there. Um you know, so and being in Vermont, just being here is uh powerfully um uh meaningful. Um I don't need you know uh distraction because all I need to do is look out the window and all I see is mountains. Um there's mountains surrounding it. Our house is located where we we can't see any other houses. And it's so quiet here. Uh one time when when our dog was so alive, we went into the field across the metal, the across the road. We have a we're on a dirt road about a mile up from the main main road, and uh we walked into the field and I realized I couldn't hear anything. Not not a not wind, not animals, not automobiles, not name it, nothing. And talk about peace. And so we we laugh that up. We we constantly are saying to each other how how lucky we are to live in this most beautiful state. And and there are things to do around here. I mean, we we um you know, a couple nights ago we went to a a concert. We have we live in a a town with I mean, we're all by ourselves, but 12 minutes from here is a town called Manchester. And Manchester has 40 restaurants, two supermarkets, two music festivals, an art center. I mean, tremendous amount of stuff goes on there uh because it's a tourist destination.

SPEAKER_00 38:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:18

I drive 12 miles through the through this gorgeous valley, and I'm home to to uh this most peaceful place. And uh, you know, uh I mentioned Gerda Klein, the Holocaust survivor. Um, one of the things she taught me was during a a three and a half month death march of 2,000 Jewish teenage girls of whom 120 survived, they would be walking and they would see a house uh by the side of the road with smoke coming out of the chimney and lights on. And that's that's all they wanted. Just just uh to have a home. And Goethe, when she teaches, and she she taught a lot, says, especially to teenagers, when you get home, stop for a minute and look at look at your house. Think of what it means, the security, the peace, the food, the warmth, and really what a what a blessing it is. So that's absolutely beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 39:12

I love I love these stories that you've been sharing, by the way. I don't I I do not know yet. Uh we're in the uh haven't edited the episode yet, so I don't know if everything you've talked about will be in the episode that everyone can get access to, but I always like to let people know like this is a good episode, and if there's probably more content on our Patreon, and so this would be a good episode to check out where you have to pay a little bit to get the full thing. Um I I love my books.

SPEAKER_01 39:39

One is called Life Doesn't Get Any Better Than This: The Holiness of Little Daily Dramas. They're available on Amazon. The other is called The Thanks I Needed That and Other Stories of the Spirit. Um, there's I mean we were talking about weddings. There's there's a wedding story in in my in one of my books about how when I would officiate at weddings, I I wanted to be aesthetically pleasing. And I was very concerned about all the parts of the wedding, one of which was photographers who could be obnoxious. Yeah. And so I would meet with the photographers before the ceremony. I said, Look, I don't want you to do any flash photography during the ceremony, and I'll make an announcement so that the guests don't do either, you know. It's not fair for you if they're all taking pictures. I said, You can do anything you want as they process in, as they go out, and you can take an available light shot from the rear. And they were they were fine with that. They were my friends, these guys.

SPEAKER_00 40:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 40:35

But sometimes I would come to a wedding and the photographer would be running late and whatever. For I couldn't, I didn't have time to talk to him or her. But I would begin the ceremony anyway by saying, in order to preserve the solemnity of these moments, I would ask that no further pictures be taken until the conclusion of the ceremony. It's very clear. I was doing a ceremony, and two minutes in, flash. And I look, and there's the photographer about three rows back on the side, taking a picture. So I stopped and said, please, no further pictures during the ceremony. Three minutes later, from the other side, flash. Really pissed me off. I didn't show it, but I said, Would one of the ushers please escort the photographer from the room? Because I was pissed. When the ceremony was over, the father of the bride congratulated me. He said, Thank you for doing that. This guy was really obnoxious. You know, um, he was upset that he didn't listen to it. He was obnoxious. And other people thought that I had done the right thing. And I thought I'd I was yeah. You got you were confident you did the right thing too. Yeah. Yeah, I did the right thing. And then it was time for me to leave. I never stayed for the reception. The last thing I want to do is sit at a table and yell over the band at people I'll never see again in my life. So I congratulate them, maybe have a drink or and and leave. So I was leaving, and there's one exit of this wedding hall, and sitting next to the door was the photographer with his case open, fiddling with his equipment. And he looked up at me, and I looked at him, and neither of us wanted to see each other. And there's no way I could avoid it. And I I had to keep on going. So he took a look at me and then he turned his head to the side, and that was the first time that I saw he was wearing a hearing aid. Oh man. And then he turned his head to the other side, and I saw he was wearing two hearing aids. And then I left. And I end the story by saying I never saw him again. But I wish I could have seen him again. And I wish I could have looked at him face to face close enough so he could hear me, or maybe read my lips and look at him and say, I'm sorry. And that's the end of the story.

SPEAKER_02 43:00

Yeah, that's that's and that's uh that's a hard part about life, is sometimes stuff like that happens, and we don't get the opportunity. As a sorry or apologetic as we might be, we don't get the opportunity to express that to people.

SPEAKER_01 43:12

Anyway, so let me let me go. Let me let me do something. You can put pictures on your website, maybe book covers and stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, okay. So I want to show you my driver's license. Okay. Which I'll send you a picture, you can put that on the website as well.

SPEAKER_02 43:32

That phase, that's what a what a buzz.

SPEAKER_01 43:35

So this is my real license. This is a piece of gold. Because as I going back to the first question, my rabbit and just making people laugh. This is one of my weapons, this driver's license with this crazy picture. Um, and everyone says they let you do that. And so on the back, this is what it says.

SPEAKER_02 44:00

You do, yep. And that's legit your uh driver's license.

SPEAKER_01 44:04

Yes. Yes. The last time I I took it out was uh going through customs in Switzerland on my home. And the Dower Swiss border guard um you know was looking at uh looking at my passport and she said, All right, have a nice three. I said, I want to show you my driver's license. So we don't need to look at your driver's license. I said, No, I'd like to show you my driver's license. I said, All right, uh, you know, this dower lady. I showed her my license and she cracked up. And she asked if she could show it to the the guard in the next booth.

SPEAKER_02 44:36

Oh, that's fun.

SPEAKER_01 44:37

She shared her joy. And then she took out her her cell phone, she said, May I take a picture, which she did. So again exactly making people laugh. And this is this is my best weapon. But uh and in fact, the my second book uh is called Thanks. I needed that. And the title comes from when I was checking in a hotel late at night, and the uh the desk clerk had a it was had a dour look. And uh I showed him my driver's license and he smiled, didn't laugh. He said, I've had a really rough day. He said, Thanks, I needed that. And so the name of my book is Thanks.

SPEAKER_02 45:18

I love that. Uh and for our audio listeners, uh, you gotta check out the YouTube uh for to get uh to see the picture of his on his on Bob's driver's license of his face. Um because the you you might that might have been missed on you if you're just listening to us, but it's worth worth checking out the YouTube video. So our Bob, we're gonna play uh as a comedian. Um and we're we're just gonna do one question, but uh just so everyone knows, uh, first of all, thank you everyone who's uh listening to us and been part of this episode and here with us um in whatever means that you're finding this podcast. Uh the way this activity goes is everyone on earth can send me questions uh that I put together on a list. And then uh the comedians I have on the podcast help me pick random questions to ask him in each episode. So you can send me a question. You can send it to my Facebook, you can send it in threads to Instagram. Uh I've had people email me questions before. I suppose you could find me on the side of the road somewhere and ask me the question and I'll I'll pull my phone out and I'll add it to the notes app. But uh we periodically reach out and ask for uh questions. And if you have one right now that you'd love to see on a future episode, there's actually an opposite uh option on the uh the notes section of wherever you're listening to us where you can say um you can send send us a mail and you can send send us a question that we'll ask the comedian for upcoming episodes. Um, and if you're watching us on YouTube, just drop a comment. We'll get it that way too. So uh so uh Bob, the way it works is I have a list of questions here. Uh let me double check. I believe I have 31, but let me check. Uh yep, I got 31 questions. So you give me a number between one and 31, and that will dictate the question I will ask. Some of them are comedy related, some of them are just weird. So I have no idea what we're getting into. 18. Which one 18? All right. This one comes from Dan Robbins on Facebook. Um, and it says, um, how old were you when you realized you were funny due to childhood trauma? What was the last part of the question? Uh due to so how old were you when you realized you were funny due to childhood trauma?

SPEAKER_01 47:37

I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 47:38

There's a lot to unpack with that question.

SPEAKER_01 47:40

Yeah, I I can answer the first. I didn't have child, I mean childhood trauma. It's it's two separate parts. I I I knew I can remember when I when I realized I was funny, and I'll answer that. And then I I'll I'll do the second part, the second part of the question. Um I was always funny. When when I was a little kid growing up in Providence, the word we used to use for our rear end was not but or fanny. We called it a tutu, which might have been just our neighbored neighborhood term, or maybe our family term. We call it a tutu. And I can remember I was little, a babysitter came, she said, Does anyone want to go to the park? One kid said, I want to go. My sister said, I want to go too. And I can remember saying, I want to go to too. And I I use this as my act, and I say to the audience, you may not think that's so hysterical, but I remember thinking at that very moment, I am one funny toddler. Yeah, that killed it. So that's that's the the tutu. Uh, in terms of family trauma, um in high school, uh, I did a lot of comedy in a Jewish youth group. I did comedy in uh I was editor of the high school paper and put out an April Fool's edition. Um one of the uh five other kids who worked on it with me was uh a girl named Robin Green, who wanted to become one of the lead writers of the Sopranos. She did very well.

SPEAKER_02 49:09

That's awesome.

SPEAKER_01 49:10

So I was doing comedy in in Jewish youth groups, I was making funny stuff at the same time that my sister was in a psychiatric hospital and 15 years old and pregnant. So there's plenty of trauma, plenty of sadness, and my father kept losing his jobs, and uh money was always a terrible uh issue. So there's a lot of lot of a lot of bad stuff going on, and humor was my way, and it was effective. Um because humor was the flip side, you know. Humor, um uh I got elected to office in organizations, I got uh um elected uh editor-in-chief of the high school paper because I did a humor column that was that worked out well. Um and uh you know that that and the girls pay attention to funny guys. So all in all, humor was that's what everyone keeps saying.

SPEAKER_02 50:05

I haven't seen that to be true.

SPEAKER_01 50:07

Yeah, yeah, they like the funny guys. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 50:10

Um well, Bob, thank you so much for being on this episode with me. Uh, this is your time to plug whatever you'd like to plug to our our listeners, tell them where they can find you, tell them what they can do. Just tell tell us whatever you want to tell us.

SPEAKER_01 50:23

Well, uh the best thing is my website, which is bobalpert.com. It's b-o-b-a-l-p-e-r dot com. People always confuse, I think it's Alpert. You know, there's a trumpet player named Herb Alpert. Um, and my father always just say, our name used to be Alpert, but we dropped the T at a party in Boston. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 50:46

I like that.

SPEAKER_01 50:47

So it's bobalpert.com. And in there, not only is there my performance schedule and uh uh comments by people like Norman Lear of the New York Times and all that stuff, but uh also this video. Uh you can click that and get uh video. And on YouTube, there's about I don't know, I think almost a hundred uh uh things on YouTube. Uh I just found out uh one of my Instagram things hit 60,000 plays.

SPEAKER_00 51:12

All right, good job.

SPEAKER_01 51:14

That's doing well. Uh so I'm Instagram, YouTube, I think TikTok, I don't know. I don't keep track of this stuff. I got a guy in Bangladesh who does all that stuff. Uh cool. So uh but that's bobalper.com is the website. And it's also if people want to contact me, if they want to bring me to their community and perform, uh that's what I do, and that's what I love doing. Uh so uh check that.

SPEAKER_02 51:37

That's wonderful. And we have it in our notes section of the podcast. So if you just want to go there, you can click on his website and all of your dreams will come true after that. Um uh and then of course, uh, this is the Clean Comedy Chats podcast. Uh, we have a website, cleancomedycollective.com. You can go there, you can hear earlier episodes, you can check out our comedians from all across the nation, whatever state you're in, check it out, see if maybe you'll discover your new favorite comedian who's local to you. Um, we also have where we post uh what kind of upcoming shows we have across the country. So if you're looking for a clean comedy show, we might have one near you. Uh, I'm in the Tennessee area. Like I know we produce at least three or four shows a month here in Middle Tennessee. So if you're around there, come check out one of our shows. Um, and that's about it for this episode. Thank you guys so much. We're happy to be back. It's August. We're gonna be hitting episodes every week again. Uh, and so feel free to come back and chat with us next week. I've been Drew, and you've been great.